


I’m Okay

by InfiniteKittie



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Gen, Sad, Short, falling, flashfiction, shortstory, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 12:43:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20407939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteKittie/pseuds/InfiniteKittie
Summary: I’m a good pretenderAll emotions in sync______________________Inspired by Pretender AJR





	I’m Okay

* * *

Because all of my emotions are in sync.

* * *

Do you ever feel like everyone else sees you differently than you see yourself? As if you're living a lie that you can't bear to admit. People always say that I've got so much potential, I've got so much going for me, who do they see when they look at me? Or are they just trying to be polite? Lying directly to me, in hopes of giving me a false hope and make them seem good in my mind. Well news flash, you can't easily manipulate me like that, I know I've got nothing in my future. I know there's nowhere for me to go, I'm just barely struggling to hold on, let alone striving in life. I mean come on, if you actually believed that I had so much going for me, you wouldn't turn me down.

But that's okay, because I've accepted that I'm not good enough for anyone. Look, I'm not good enough for myself, so of course I'd never be good enough for anyone. Why do you think my friends insist on bringing others to hang out with me? I'm not enough and I will never be enough. But that's okay because I've accepted that. I've accepted that I'm not even good enough for anyone to check if I'm okay. Because there's no possible way that I'm allowed to not be okay. Because if I wasn't okay, I would need attention and someone to care. 

I'm fine.

It's not like my fingers are screaming in pain as I desperately cling to the cliff. It's not like I can feel them slipping as the blood rushes in my ears. It's not like I contemplate letting go. It's not like I would enjoy falling.

I'm okay. 

* * *

Because even if that was the case, it'll all be in my head. None of that actually true because my friends are the ones not okay. Not me. No one should be caring about me because I'm fine. Even if I have to yell at the top of my lungs from the highest point in the world. 

I'm fine.

Why aren't I? Because I crave for someone to ask if I'm okay? Because I desperately want to break down and cry until my eyes run dry? Because I don't think I'm worth anything? None of that matters. We all crave a bit of attention sometimes and that's all this is; attention seeking behaviour. And that's bad. I'm not looking for attention, everyone else deserves that attention a lot more than I do. 

I'm okay. 

* * *

I am, seriously. Because even if I wasn't, I am quite capable of dealing with it myself. It will only take a couple of minutes before I dig a hole so deep in my mind that I can bury these thoughts, bury these insecurities in a place where no one will ever know about. I'll paint a smile on my face, a twinkle in both of my eyes, contour dimples on either side of that fake smile and no one will be any of the wiser about what's really going on inside. 

It's nothing.

Want to know my party tricks? I smile when I'm supposed to, laugh when everyone else is, listen to everyone's problems and try to solve them. Even apologise when everyone thinks I've been ignoring them. I know which mood to slip into for each situation. Confidence, confusion, sad, happy. Name an emotion and you'll see my mood change quick smart. Because all of my emotions are in sync.

Because

I'm

Fine

* * *

Not slowly slipping, screaming my throat sore, pleading for help when my voice is gone. I'm not drowning and simultaneously the one who's covering up. I'm not lying to everyone, including my own reflection, every single day of my life. And I'm most definitely not tearing myself down and hurting myself in an attempt to try to pull myself back up just a little. 

I'm not slowly killing my own mind by letting the demons rule. I'm not slowly destroying all hope left in my battered mind.

But I am making a big deal out of nothing. Isn't me writing this counting as attention seeking? Isn't anything I do to hint that maybe, just maybe I'm not ok-sad, attention seeking? And that's bad, remember?

Who do you turn to when you feel like the whole world is against you? When you know that the minute you say 'maybe I'm not as happy as I pretend to be' they're gonna tell you to stop being a drama queen. To grow up and deal with it, because life ain't easy. And how do you open up to someone about the thoughts and the actions when you know that they're gonna tell you to just stop.

Like it's that easy.

I'm fine.

Pretend until it becomes real, is what the always say. Fake it until you make it. How long is that supposed to last? Because I'm still waiting for it to become real, to make it. And I've been doing this as long as I can remember.

But you know, I'm just a character, one that needs help but can't ask for it. I'm not a real person, because if I was then I would have to admit that I'm not fine. But that's a lie, isn't it? Aren't I okay?


End file.
